Looking through the window into the empty house (A Thought)


At the end of last week I was wildly consumed by the writing project I’m working on (I still am!). I was putting in the extra hours, pushing myself to finish a part that I wanted finished. I was sitting at my desk on the second floor watching the view. There was a large crane in the distance broadcasting the golf tournament that was happening on the green on the other side of town. It was sunny, a bit breezy and my daughter and her dad were playing in the yard. She had a bathing suit on and was running through the sprinklers. You know the scene, right? Well it was the first of its sort this summer.

Seems far away now that it’s cloudy and the wind is chilly, people walking their dogs are wearing beanies and overcoats.

At that moment, when I caught her happiness as she ran through the sprinklers and giggled wildly as her hair got wet, a strong sensation went through me. Happiness in its purest form, but also something else – nostalgia for time that hasn’t even past yet.

I remember being small and getting this overwhelming feeling that “I’M ALIVE, ISN’T IT WONDERFUL?! I’M ALIVE.” Somewhere along the line this feeling has been replaced with the feeling “I’M GOING TO DIE. ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE ANY ME!”

I remember the first one as a blissful thing, ecstasy. And during childhood I remember being able to bring it forward from time to time. Then it became rare… and now?

Now I guess I take it for granted, but life is cruel because as soon as you become comfortable you realise this other dreadful truth – “I’M GOING TO DIE! ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE ANY ME!”

I did finish the part of the project I wanted to. Now a new part starts and I really hope that I’ll be as excited about this part of it as I was about the first part. It’s a wonderful feeling being so tangled into a project like this that it occupies your mind 24/7. It’s wonderful and makes me feel alive.

And it brings a hint of that old feeling back. Not to the extent that it did back then but to some extent. And as I sat there and got caught up in my daughters happiness as she ran through the sprinklers I promised myself that I’d try to keep the nostalgia at bay. That next time I’d run through the sprinklers with her, even if the project was on my mind and that I’d laugh as hard as she did.

And when something in me is staring through the window of that empty house that holds the answers to the biggest questions we ask ourselves, when I am lying in bed in the dark thinking ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE ANY ME then I’ll bring back that laughter, that smile and that feeling of being alive and I’ll let it echo through me.

Because something tells me that life is too short to be wallowing in the big questions. I will let the smaller ones occupy my mind. The questions that remind me that I’m alive and that it is indeed wonderful.

And I’ll get caught in my project. Because that truly makes me feel alive.

One Comment Add yours

  1. How strange that I had very worrisome dreams all last night that remind me of this. I couldn’t stop dreaming of how life used to be many years ago for me, how I was in such overwhelmingly powerful, “true” love & how it made me feel so very alive…(also, how I had fewer responsibilities & burdens on my shoulders to leech the joy & bliss of life at that time from my heart…)

    It is the way of life. We are given those early joys, loves, bliss & moments in uncensored, uncut form because later, as we grow & are thrust into life as adults, we will need the strength & renewing energy of them…(of them “all”)…in order to deal with what we have to do as adults…as we bring our own children into this world to do the very same as we did…to follow in those very same footsteps…to live young, unencumbered, untainted lives with eyes & mind open completely to everything they encounter (before that same life, itself, has to change & they end up walking the same roads we all have to as we grow & mature…)

    Such an ironic post this is. Almost eerie. I dreamed last night (nostalgic, haunting dreams) of days that will never return to me…of people that will never return to me…of love that is now in the company of others that I yearn for, to this very day, to be mine…)

    Such powerful, visceral memories & visions…(all gone, now, due to time & life…gone from me now, as well, because I was forced to awaken & have them all slip through my hands once more…gone…just like all those years ago are gone…)

    Such a fine observation you made when you watched A. in the prime of her young life right now…at that point…how you listened to her experience her joy & bliss & express it through free-flowing laughter with no concern for anything else at all at that very moment but that laughter…that truth…

    Oh, how I pine for such a life again…to be young & not to know (not to have to worry) about what comes after, years along the road that must be traveled…



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