On Top of the Hill Ma

It’s a strange thing becoming “old”. Not that I’m over the hill yet but the years are gathering on my shoulders and it becomes stranger and stranger each year to see the world transform around you. I get reminded of my confusion around the topic of change in Interview with the Vampire; The vampires have such a hard time coping with change and the modern ways and need new younger vampires to help them along. 

I never quite understood the concept; What could be so hard?

Not that I need a young Louie now to show me the robes but I’ve come to understand the notion. This is a time when parents write internet meme’s about how the old days were instead of starting every sentence with “When I was your age” (now it’s just every other sentence!). Cars have head up display, celebrities communicate on twitter and Ralph Macchio looks more like Joe Pesci than the boy with the baby brown eyes. 
It’s a confusing world. Robert Downey Jr has transformed from Bad Boy to Iron Man and if you want to see a certain movie chances are you can get it by the click of a mouse. 

When I was twelve (or thirteen) a new fashion hit my generation – they were neon coloured clothes and hairbands. I detested the colours but two of my cousins smiled at me and told me I’d be wearing these colours within the years. 
I told them “never”. 
And I’m stubborn so even though I was wearing the colours within the year (possibly within a month) I always did it with a sense of shame. 
Now my cousins are Facebooking grandmothers who remind me of my late, very much missed, grandmother. 

And it’s those little things that hit me the most. Those little everyday things that show you how life goes on, repeats itself like an enormous film, looping with slight change. How can they not still be twenty? And I need to look in the mirror to remind myself that I’m not exactly twelve (or thirteen) anymore. 

Familiar faces vanish and then reappear (like Billy Baldwin on Gossip Girl or an old friend reconnecting) and they may look the same but they are not the same. 

I’m not over the hill yet though. I’m sure that when I’m even closer to the best-before-date I will have many new observations. The world surprises you. It has a way of ripping the grounds from underneath you and then rebuilding itself around you like nothing has happened, only you feel as if everything has been moved a little to the left (and you start bumping into things). 

I don’t have Lestat’s problem. As comfortable as the “known” is I wouldn’t want to live in a world stuck in its cold war, smelling like a teen spirit. I’m happy to move forward and although the numbers are a bit frightening, and a tad tedious to think about it is exciting too to see what the world has to offer. 
What the world does to the insides of a girl who saw Top Gun in the movies 9 times and listened to Johnny Hates Jazz on repeat. The surprises aren’t always pleasant but some of them are. 

Like the coo of a dove that ripped me momentarily from one of the worst, most dreadful feeling of my life (or right up there with the top 10) and into a memory of peace, solace and happiness. 
Or a little girl with a purple cap saluting and giving you permission to come aboard. 

I used to think that nothing could ever surprise me. 
Boy was I wrong! 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. I began to notice a similar feeling & atmosphere not too long ago…

    I have never “felt” old (although I live a life that is rapidly aging me), yet the last year or two I have truly “felt” it…

    The teeth give me problems now…the eyes are not sharp as my impeccable 20/20 vision has been for the last several decades…my hair has gone from lush spring brunette to harsh winter silver with brown remnants…

    I have also seen the changes in family over the last year or two which are also making me feel more aged than I perhaps “should”…

    I am not a different person, yet I look it…I feel it…(I do not “act” it, though, which is why it feels so strange);

    I see the changes occurring all around me with parents, friends, neighbors…(nothing can halt any of it, nor change any of it back, so I assume all is as it should be)…

    I wish I would have known I was destined to live past 30 (because I truly thought it was not to be, considering my life & vices)…if I “had” known, I would have probably acted even “more” badly than I did…I yearn for those comforting days of the past…unfortunately, even though I am able to live & converse & adapt with and to life and others, I remain trapped in a vacuum of what I felt “safe” with…a life I loved and lived years ago…

    I don’t feel over the hill, either, although some may see me as such…

    I have a job that is more physical than perhaps necessary…more stressful than is healthy…more time-consuming than is manageable…(to live how I must, while caring for the parents that are fading, this is what I must forge ahead and through with)…

    Damn…I wish I would have known, LoL…

    (You describe exactly what I have felt and experienced recently…it is a harsh reality, yes?)

    The only saving grace of it all (at least to me) is that this life, this aging, this…”me”… Is what makes me “click” with others that I am comfortable with…(and for one such as I to be able to do this has been nearly “impossible” most of my life…so I guess it is a “good thing”…a delicious caramel center entombed (not “enrobed”) in bitterest cocoa dust…


    1. Eygló Daða says:

      At an early age I was convinced I wouldn’t become very old either .. not because of the way I live but I was sure there would be a nuclear war before I turned 30. It’s strange having the age and still having that “young” person inside completely bewildered over the time that has transpired! 🙂


      1. Definitely…(it makes for much confusion & angst sometimes for me)…


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